More than meets the eyes: Revisits..

Yesterday I broke down... I just couldn't take it anymore. So I let it out. I wanna be free, I wanna be myself without concerning what others think of me. My life always, I mean always consists of what others thinks of me. Its all about image. Get good grades, people would look up to you. Wear this, wear that. Remember they like this, not that, win their heart.

Okay for once.. can I just toss all the ideas aside and start being me??? How on earth people would get to know me if my movement are restricted? For example.. I love visual kei. Very much. Though in my culture here, Visual Kei is like.. a really bad influence for a teenager. They always.. always associates rock music with drugs, smokes and alcohol. I want to change their point of view. I mean hey look at me, I play rock music, but you don't see me smokes or drink or do drugs no? And I can assure you I don't.

I guess I just have my own issues.. I mean I'm a muslim, so even though I play music, I also restricted my behavior. I respect the elders and the prayers. Although I'm not a saint, I don't dye my hair and do things which the religion forbids me to do. I'm well on the line. I'm not a good girl but I am not bad either. I just wanna have a free life..

Another thing which bothers me the most is whether I do have a bestfriend. I hardly mingle with girls because of my childhood. Girls that I know off are just snobs.. and gossips. I hate it. So I avoid girls and only make friends with guys, why? Because guys talks about other stuffs instead of spreading gossip of someone. All my life I only trust around 4 girls. Number 1 and always will be is my sister, not my biological sister but she took care of me ever since I was in Grade 3. She's so sweet and kind. Her name is Erni, but people call her Nana.

Second would be my classmate from Junior High School: Safra. It didn't last long.. By Grade 8 she left me and I shut myself. She's more into hanging out with girls and make-ups and fames, while me? I rather spend my time at home with my family. I'm the eldest, its my responsibility.

Third one would be my second sister, Nisa. Again not biological. I just made her my sister because we're so suited to be as sisters. She's really gentle and kind but vulnerable, while me? I need someone to love me as me and she did that. In exchange I took care of her. Make sure she's out of trouble and get good grades. I received the shock of my life when she partnered with my most worst enemy, Reo (Not his real name).

I hate him "-___- He started it all up, he always bully me, he boycott the whole class against me. Nobody wanted to be friends with me, even Safra left me so yeah I hate him. The thing is I didn't even do anything to upset him!!! Gosh.. I hate that kid.. He really made my life miserable and I really hate him for that. Good thing is he haven't met the new me. I want him to faint when he sees me. I bet he really doesn't expect me to turn into a swan, yeah you could say I was an ugly duckling.

Anyway the last one would be Diyana, though I call her Mei-Ryen. She's my junior and we've been bestfriend for 4 years now. After Nisa I don't want to trust any more girls but Mei changed my mind. She's funny, lovable and just so.. cute~~ She's taller than me and mature than me.. I think a lot 0.0 In terms of action that is, I'm more of a child.

She really mean a lot to me. Mei is the only girl I trust now. We hanged out most of the time despite our differences in schedule. We share the same love to Tohoshinki, except that she's into Yoochun and I'm into Junsu XD

Since May, I feel my relationship with her grew apart. Mostly I blame it on another girl. Seriously I think the other girl (let's just call her Pearl) hates me based on the fact that she was once befriended with me and said that she loves me just like how a mother loves her daughter, but that didn't last long. I did something for the benefits of others and she just blew it off at me. Ever since that she never spoken to me. I tried creating a conversation but no reply. The thing that broke my heart is she said how much she love Mei and then Mei accepted her as her BFF. Now that.. is like a huge blow to me. Yeah call me jealous but I rather not share my bestfriend. Then come to think of it.. I just don't know anymore.. She's my bestfriend and I love her.. I just couldn't accept another bestfriend in the picture. So I confronted her last night and actually cried. The ending? I have no idea at all.. we sorta hung up.

What's really stressing me out now is my boyfriend, well if you could call it a boyfriend.. I mean come on.. Ok you own me.. then what next? You should bring me out, tell me you love me once in a while, not through words alone, but action speaks louder than words. If you love me more than anything I'd always be your number 1 but I'm just not right?

His action spoke for him. He's always.. I mean always busy. He put his family ahead of me. Nothing wrong with that but maybe once in a while he could put me first?.. And we hardly kiss, maybe because of our religion but I don't care. You love me then show it to me. Don't keep me locked up inside and be a pretty display for your friends or family to admire you.

Long story short I want someone like Ko-ki (of ViViD) or Kai (of GazettE). Someone who'd puts his love one before his own needs and just be there. So caring, so kind so gentle and so insanely.. insane. Haha in personality and charms. Like.. different from everybody else. Example.. Ko-Ki is really insane in fashion, he has like the most awesome outfit and eccentric hairstyle. He likes to cheer people up and would (maybe) answer the phone if you call him 3AM in the morning. His smile is so cute. His charm? He wrote songs and play the drum.

Ko-ki

Or Miku (of Ancafe.. maybe now he's in Ic5). Miku is caring, cute, kind, likes to cook and cheer people up. He's a vocalist and just love music. People might think he's weird but in Japan that word doesn't exist.

Miku

Ok ok maybe I'm not grateful for what I have currently..but we're talking about a person which one would live with for the rest of her/his life. I just need to choose wisely. Someone where I feel safe and actually love me for me, not the me which I showed people. A fake.

The real me is someone who would toss away anything to get to my love one if he needs me at the moment. I don't care if I'm at work or how busy I am, I'd ditch it and make it up later on or tomorrow (I always have). If he's hungry I'll cook for him. If he's cold I'll find a blanket or just simple embrace him. I spend most of my time engulfing in playing music. I dressed weirdly like those two up there, insanely weird for some people. I bet to those two up there I just look like any other VK musicians, not a freak. And I tend to be really childish at time if I saw something really cute~~ Like an accessories or food.. or people XD That's where my friends usually refer me as so lovable "^_^ except 80% of the time I dodge them when they're about to hug me XD

Ok just to show you the real me. Here's some picture. Look at it and try imagining my real personality.. How am I like. How I would response to things. My tones when speaking. Or how I would begged someone for a taste of an ice-cream.