No its not because I fail maths or hate it, I love Maths very much that in time I tend to take it for granted.
When I'm studying I always, always listen to music, it keeps my brain alert and I can memorize the subject easily. Listening to ViViD's song, I leave MSN open in case someone wants to find me. By around 11.30AM, my senpai, Marv, from UBD (no I haven't started yet, I just call him senpai in respect), texted me at MSN...
Marv: Shinku, what r u revising for? 0.0
Shinku: Oh I have exams this Friday
Marv: Wat exams??
Shinku: The Japanese scholarship
Marv:.. .. .. ..
Shinku: What?? 0.0
Marv: Geek.. ..
Shinku: ???
Marv: You're a geek!!~~
Shinku:.. .. .. No I'm not.. "-__- I'm a student, a student study.
Marv: Well I don't XD
Shinku: "-__-
Marv: That makes you a geek!!
Shinku: Do you even know what that word mean?.. "-___-
Haha it was fun chatting with him although I have to go by midnight, I was tired after revising for a whole day.
Today (Wednesday) I went out with my brother and cousins from my father's side to watch a movie. One of the eldest cousin, Abang Amir treat us for a movie, Despicable Me. I've never actually hang out with my cousins so yeah why not right?
Abng Amir picked my brother and I up around 1.30PM and dropped us with Kairi and Malik (his younger brother) at the Mall. He had to pick up Ira, Muiz and Hakim all around the district >_<
So the four of us don't know what we should do so we just go for window shopping. While at it I found a really nice jacket. I was searching for some outfit for me to crossdress. Found one black hooded jacket. It's really unique in a way that there is only one of it. The design had a blooming red rose on the left chest and the interior jacket is printed white with black outline of roses. I love it very much. Just my type. And my size!!! When I asked for the price, it was $69.90. *gulp* I left it.. T_T I hope I could come up with the money to buy it. I'm really fussy when it comes to outfit. I always go for the rarest because I don't want to look like everybody else.
Next I came across a wig store. They sale mostly women's hair but I found some really short hair which could make up a guy visual kei hairstyle. The color is orange with blonde highlights. The perfect color for me if I were a guy. The price? Oh it's $25. Currently I only have $14. Not to mention to buy a wig mean I have to buy the hairnet and the product to take care of it. I just don't have the money for it at the moment.
Feeling tired, Malik, Khairi, Abdul (my bro) and I went to grab a cup of ice-cream at Gelato. While I was indulging my cappuccino ice-cream, a guy passed by our table and headed for the counter and ordered something. He had his back against me but he's just so cute!!~~ His hair is black with blonde highlight and he style it the visual kei windy hairstyle. He had this black hooded jacket and black jean. As soon as I said, "Cute", Malik told me that he's a girl. I went.. ehh???!!! She turned and yes.. its a girl.. A crossdresser.. A good one too. She suits to be a guy more.
Malik went on and tell me that she works at EGM, a video game store. As soon as I finished my ice-cream I went to the place just to get a glimpse of her once again. I still treated her as a guy instead of a girl. Disappointed.. I couldn't find her. Just when I was leaving the store, she walks in.. "-__- I keep thinking, "If only she was a guy..."
I must be going crazy.. I like girls?.. Ok I admit I tend to be a Bi sometime but I'm still into guys. And girls who look and dressed like guys.. ahh.. just my type. And guys who have cute, sweet facial expression is also my type.. Weird maybe but I dunno. I'm just not like everybody else.
When Ira, Muiz, Hakim and Abg Amir arrived, I asked for Ira's company to search for some accessories around the Mall. We went to this one store and the accessories suits perfectly for a visual kei appearance.. not to mention the price is also.. "pretty". The salesgirl was nice. Usually I don't like salesgirls because they're not really paying attention to what we want but this girl, she's really the girly type but she helped me a lot in deciding which accessories goes best with which look. I told her about a guy's character (actually my own, if I were a guy) and she finds me the items. Really helpful. I shall come back there and buy it.
Watching Despicable Me is really fun!!~~ I get to laugh a lot and tears actually run down my cheeks. Ahh man.. I ruined my make-up XD
Afterwards we went to my cousin house and from there went on to my other cousin house (our married cousin) to celebrate their daugther's birthday. Still a kid. It was raining heavily and I was drenched. I didn't mind though. I've never got wet in a rain and standing under the rain.. it feels like.. my sorrow is being washed away with my warmth..
Eventhough I had a really good time. Sadness still overwhelms me. I just hides it under the smiles..
When I got home I heard Sid's new song, Rain. After actually listening to the song I cried. I didn't realized the tears rolling down my cheeks.. not after the song has ended. Its really sad.. ..
I'm overdriven with guilty at the same time. Its about my boyfriend. I'm seriously not the type of person to break my promise. I've made a promise that I will never leave him again and that eats me away.. I can't leave him.. and I want to keep my promise. That somehow ended up eating me away.. I don't know..
Maybe I wanted to be free.. To be able to actually feel what does it mean to be love by some one. Some one I could trust with all my heart and never question. I never actually did that.. So I don't know how it feels like.
All I'm feeling now is emptiness.. .. really empty. Its like.. I'm locked up in a room where I can have anything except love.. Waiting endlessly for my 'master' to open the door and love me. Which hardly did open. As the time goes by.. the longer he disappeared.. the faith I have for him slowly fades away and I feel guilty for it. But what can I do?? Convincing myself over and over again that I am love?.. .. But I just can't feel any.. How am I supposed to believe?..
Everyday I keep telling myself, "You are loved." But with no proof the feelings slowly fades away.
Sid's song describe my current feelings perfectly. I wish things can go back to where it was before but I'm not sure anymore.. I cried.. I can just cry..
SID - Rain
June’s lies and the truth in front of my eyes
are put away in sepia tones,
Nestling close to one another, feeling your warmth,
I don’t understand those things anymore
“You’ll be fine on your own… right?” you said,
forcing it upon me and then you said goodbye
If it’s going to be that kind of consolation,
then I should be tired of hearing it by now
Endlessly ringing;
the merciless memories seem to have no intention of forgiving me
If i close my eyes they will only grow surrounding me at a distance you laugh
Will the rain ever stop, I wonder?
For a pretty long time now it’s been cold
Why does the rain choose me?
Why does it choose me who has nowhere to escape to?
Time intrudes on the new morning I finally found
The direction I face is not the future
I kept chasing after the past
You, who gave me a new start by your consolations
and the hateful and cowardly me
It’s about time…
Fumbling, my troubles spill down my tired cheeks
Eyes that don’t want to know the past
and fingers that can wash it all away
Scars heal at a gentle pace;
at an unreachable distance that seems to be within reach
Will the rain ever stop, I wonder?
For a pretty long time now it’s been cold
Why does the rain choose me?
I wonder if it’s ok to let it cover me
The rain keeps on falling today as well knowing no end
While we quietly nestle together under the umbrella I hold
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